I am certainly not very consistent at doing this but then I have always said I am add.  I have no ability to stay organized. Or at the very least it is with great effort that I do so.  Why am I on here tonight?  

I guess I feel  more and more that my brothers are as most men are pretty useless,  I post things about all the stuff going on in Washington and the ridiculousness of our congress and none of them ever say anything.  That is probably partly  because they don't want to encourage me but it is also partly because they just don't care.  Keith is still working and concerned about what people think of his politics.  Don has a wife that believes polites and religion should not be talked about in polite society.  Dave I unfriended but he and his wife care only about what other people think, not about the future of the country or what will happen to their grandkids in 30 or 50 years; Norma because she is not bright enough to realize she should think ahead,  David is bright enough but he would never do anything to rock the boat. 

And actually i think that is keith and don also.   I think that is most men.  I don't think it was my father but his sons did not inherit any of his desire to get involved or to care about what is going on in politics.  they come across as strong, caring people but their lives are pretty self-centered, self involved.  Oh keith has loaned me money and doesn't bug me about paying him back although god i wish i could.  But i know he hates the fact I never have and they all three hate that i am a lesbian, and i am fat and i am outspoken.  They have always stood together against me and i would take that all on me except it has been from the very beginning.  I can remember times when I knew don had said he agreed with me but when dave suddenly came up with something to laugh at me for -- don and keith both went his way.  the only times i remember anyone ever sticking up for me was at school and twice susan Emmert talked back to someone who made fun of me--once was the gym teacher, mr walls, and one time was karen jones. 

i don't remember one of my brothers ever trying to stop the other one from laughing at me--never.  And look how many years later and i can't seem to let that go.  partly because when i sent a note to keith about all the stupid things david had said, keith said he thought i was just doing my usual ranting.  He didn't address at all that dave said he was no longer a robinson or that he didin't want me around at Christmas.  He didn't care and mostly it was about it would effect him when he came home.  We would all still get together like the wonder dysfunctional family we are--saying nothing, just seeing each other for 2 hours. 

It's now December 1 and nothing's changed.  I got thru Thanksgiving and of course I knew I would.  It was not as difficult as I thought it would be.  I took care of Jen's dogs and stopped and got food at Boston Market including a meal for Thelma and ended up eating with her since she wasn't having dinner till 6 that evening.  I tried not to think about what other people were doing so I wouldn't feel bad and I didn't go anyplace so I didn't see cars parked at people's houses which is always a sign to me of large family get-togethers.  I have no idea what Dave and Norma did.  I do know Don and Sally had their family at their house this year. 
Brenda's sisters went to Colorado for Thanksgiving and she posted all these photos and of course they don't worry about poor Imogene spending Thanksgiving alone which really bothers me.  I just think that's so wrong.

The last few days I have been shopping with Melissa.  She doesn't even ask why I am not buying anything.  That's partly because she really isn't interested and she is aware somewhat that I will not see my family again at Christmas.  In a way I feel like a loser, just being thrown out of the family because I am the bad person, the black sheep.  And realistically I know I am not the loser, not the bad guy, and even at the last moment if they suddenly invited me now I could not go because they have made it clear they did not want me, I just don't want to spend Christmas alone, nor do I want people to feel sorry for me because I will spend it alone, or do I want anyone to know I will not get any gifts.  Last year I did buy the boys a nice gift for their X box but I will not do that this year so other than what I put in the Salvation Army pot or if I give Melissa and Thelma something I will not buy anyone anything.  That is just sad. And I really don't have any money to buy anything.  I will do well to pay my bills this month and get my car fixed by January and then hopefully I will be ok.  

I have thought about it over and over and over and I still think it is wrong to not have me at their house for Christmas and yet if they don't want me that's the way it is.  I just cannot imagine my dad or my Uncle Frank ever doing such a thing to any of their family but David has never really been a warm person.  I guess it is my fault.  Don says I have been rough on both of them, I suppose it was over selling Mom's house.  I cannot think of another time and I didn't like the way we did that.  It certainly rushed the downfall of Mom and I suppose it was all we could do but it seemed wrong to me and more about what was best for Dave and Norma and the other two just didn't want to deal.  

I hate the way my brothers stick together.  Even to the point of David making fun of me and the other two laughing.  I hate to be laughed at.  I hate to be made fun of and David was always an expert at that.  I always just wanted him to like me but I guess I didn't try hard enough to be the kind of person he wanted to be his sister.  Well he didn't really want a sister.  But if I had been cool or cute or rich or... anything but what I am.  

It's funny, in my imagination, I don't have brothers and yet I love my brothers.  But I daydream of a family without brothers and just people who like me and support me and care about me and think I am wonderful!!! I blame my low self-esteem on David at least but I am old enough to have overcome what damage he did and Grandma did and even Mom and Dad.  I remember thinking after Dad died and Mom was more dependent on me that now she at least could begin to see that it was good to have a daughter.  

This is absolutely awful but when I think about whether there is life after death and I listen to the Long Island Medium which makes me believe, I question what it would be like to be reunited with my Mom and Dad and Grandma who never showed me any affection or told me they loved me.  If it is heaven and it's supposed to be happy I assume it would be good.  I think life could be some kind of hell although I admit my life is not all that bad.  I am just having a bad time right now.   No money, no friends, no car.  But it will get better.  And I worry all the time about paying Keith back.  I think I should die so he could get my retirement but as long as I keep taking anti-depressants I don't really feel like killing myself.  I guess I could stop taking them.  

 

I am starting at the age of 66 and 11/12.  I may go backwards but now is the traumatic time of my life.  Not that I haven't had others but this is my big issues for now.

Feeling sorry for oneself is always a waste of time--a long time philosophy of mine.  But with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming and I have no one to spend them with I am having a hard time.  I have always spent Christmas with my oldest brother and his family.  My parents always went to their house and my siblings went along, including me and when they eventually got married and I didn't, I just kept going.  Keith now lives in Colorado which is too far to go and Don lives in Dublin and has never invited us there--well almost never.  A couple of times we have gone there, I am not sure how it happened, one time we had cold cuts, and another time my brother's family came from Colorado and so we went to Don's.  

But last year, I insulted my nephew's wife, and now I will not be invited for Thanksgiving or Christmas to my oldest brothers house.  And of course my brother Don has never invited me there.  Poor Peggy.  My brother's wife in Colorado did invite me for Thanksgiving to Colorado but it's an expensive flight, and I don't ski, and they would go out to eat often and I just cannot afford it so I said no.  I am pretty sure they were relieved.  They ski and shop and live very differently than I do.  

Tonight I was thinking about how much fun holidays used to be.  My Aunt Frances and Uncle Frank were always so glad to have me and all of us around.  But my parents and my aunts and uncles are all gone now.  I only have siblings.  I had a guy friend once but he was a jerk and after 8 years he was gone.  Then I had a girlfriend for many years.  But that friendship ended a couple of years ago.  I have a few friends but no one, absolutely no one to spend holidays with.

I should be happy that I have had a good life.  I have had wonderful Thanksgivings with my family, with big old golden brown turkeys, and potatoes and apple waldorf salad  and pumpkin pie and dressing that my Mom fixed perfectly.  And that didn't happen just one year, it happpened many years.  And some years we went to Aunt Frances' or to Frank and Mary's.  And then eventually we went to Dave and Norma's.  And some years when I was a waitress I worked at the Plaza as a cashier or a waitress, where I had a part-time job. 

I have had a good life.  Some people have had nothing, or nothing as nice as I have had.  And I am just feeling sorry for myself.  But I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  That's part of my problem.  I don't want people to know I don't have anybody.  But they will.  My neighbors will.  We can all see when others come and go.  But I never have friends or visitors--how did I get to this point.  My life is a mess...

******

I was born on a cold snowy January day in 1946.  My dad was still picking corn and had to be called in from the field to take my mom to the hospital.  I was a big baby girl and named Peggy Ann, the Peggy after my paternal grandmother Lulu who's nickname was Peggy and the Ann was the popular name of the period to tack on to a first name.  I never loved or hated the name Peggy but I did argue some when my brothers called me Peg, saying it was something to hang a hat on.  I had an older brother who had already been around for 4 years and was not at all impressed with having a sister and made that clear from my earliest memories.  Now that I think about it I am not sure whether it was that I was a girl or maybe it was just that I was a sibling disturbing his reign as the only son and nephew in the household since both my Aunt Frances and Uncle Frank lived with us.  

I was cute it appears from my baby photos, although there were not many.  Pleasingly chunky but not too much so with enough dark hair to look good.  My status as the baby didn't last all that long because brother Donnie came along just 21 months later.  My guess is that was traumatic to my little ego to suddenly have my babyhood usurped when I was so young when this cute little blond curly haired boy suddenly shows up and garners the attention that I still should be getting at least for another year or so.