It's now December 1 and nothing's changed.  I got thru Thanksgiving and of course I knew I would.  It was not as difficult as I thought it would be.  I took care of Jen's dogs and stopped and got food at Boston Market including a meal for Thelma and ended up eating with her since she wasn't having dinner till 6 that evening.  I tried not to think about what other people were doing so I wouldn't feel bad and I didn't go anyplace so I didn't see cars parked at people's houses which is always a sign to me of large family get-togethers.  I have no idea what Dave and Norma did.  I do know Don and Sally had their family at their house this year. 
Brenda's sisters went to Colorado for Thanksgiving and she posted all these photos and of course they don't worry about poor Imogene spending Thanksgiving alone which really bothers me.  I just think that's so wrong.

The last few days I have been shopping with Melissa.  She doesn't even ask why I am not buying anything.  That's partly because she really isn't interested and she is aware somewhat that I will not see my family again at Christmas.  In a way I feel like a loser, just being thrown out of the family because I am the bad person, the black sheep.  And realistically I know I am not the loser, not the bad guy, and even at the last moment if they suddenly invited me now I could not go because they have made it clear they did not want me, I just don't want to spend Christmas alone, nor do I want people to feel sorry for me because I will spend it alone, or do I want anyone to know I will not get any gifts.  Last year I did buy the boys a nice gift for their X box but I will not do that this year so other than what I put in the Salvation Army pot or if I give Melissa and Thelma something I will not buy anyone anything.  That is just sad. And I really don't have any money to buy anything.  I will do well to pay my bills this month and get my car fixed by January and then hopefully I will be ok.  

I have thought about it over and over and over and I still think it is wrong to not have me at their house for Christmas and yet if they don't want me that's the way it is.  I just cannot imagine my dad or my Uncle Frank ever doing such a thing to any of their family but David has never really been a warm person.  I guess it is my fault.  Don says I have been rough on both of them, I suppose it was over selling Mom's house.  I cannot think of another time and I didn't like the way we did that.  It certainly rushed the downfall of Mom and I suppose it was all we could do but it seemed wrong to me and more about what was best for Dave and Norma and the other two just didn't want to deal.  

I hate the way my brothers stick together.  Even to the point of David making fun of me and the other two laughing.  I hate to be laughed at.  I hate to be made fun of and David was always an expert at that.  I always just wanted him to like me but I guess I didn't try hard enough to be the kind of person he wanted to be his sister.  Well he didn't really want a sister.  But if I had been cool or cute or rich or... anything but what I am.  

It's funny, in my imagination, I don't have brothers and yet I love my brothers.  But I daydream of a family without brothers and just people who like me and support me and care about me and think I am wonderful!!! I blame my low self-esteem on David at least but I am old enough to have overcome what damage he did and Grandma did and even Mom and Dad.  I remember thinking after Dad died and Mom was more dependent on me that now she at least could begin to see that it was good to have a daughter.  

This is absolutely awful but when I think about whether there is life after death and I listen to the Long Island Medium which makes me believe, I question what it would be like to be reunited with my Mom and Dad and Grandma who never showed me any affection or told me they loved me.  If it is heaven and it's supposed to be happy I assume it would be good.  I think life could be some kind of hell although I admit my life is not all that bad.  I am just having a bad time right now.   No money, no friends, no car.  But it will get better.  And I worry all the time about paying Keith back.  I think I should die so he could get my retirement but as long as I keep taking anti-depressants I don't really feel like killing myself.  I guess I could stop taking them.